Subterranean Homesick Blues
I feel weird. I just spent the last hour reading Tom Gabel’s blog. Why and how I came across it? I have no idea. But it was interesting…and it has inspired me to start writing again. Although my life is completely uninteresting compared to his, I just have an itch that I have to scratch every once in awhile.
Last night on the drive back from Petaluma, a lot of time was spent with the radio off. Very unlike me. I just let my thoughts wander. Relationships were mainly on my brain. I have very strong thoughts on relationships, currently, and I never thought I’d see the day that my current beliefs would be where they are now, but I hope this is not a phase. Not your every day relationships, but exclusive relationships between two people. I don’t understand their purpose anymore. I have done and been through so much in these past few months that I never would have experienced if I were still in a relationship (that is, what I used to consider a relationship). I have a feeling many people are in the same boat, only on the other side of the lake. I really hope that people currently in relationships don’t let opportunities pass them because they are not single. I feel like I have gotten away with a lot more in the past couple months only because of my current status.
I have also learned from watching other people in their own relationships that I went about things the wrong way entirely and I now know that if I am ever in another relationship (if god existed, may he forbid) I will do things completely different. The feelings of animosity and negativity I felt in my last relationship could have been completely avoided and were only my fault, but there is nothing I can do about it now. I have realized my last relationship could have been a lot happier had I been a more mature, comfortable, and complete person that didn’t overanalyze everything but I guess you learn and make changes accordingly. Currently, I am happier and more comfortable with myself than I have ever been. I have a new breath of fresh air and a smile that cannot be erased. There is a lot on my chest still from my experiences in Chicago and LA that will eventually be put on my back and forgotten. I am sure blogs about those will inevitably appear in the near future, now that I am comfortable with confronting everything. I have truly missed out on great, close friendships in Chicago. They were placed at my doorstep but I was too lost in my own bubble to open the door and recognize.
I am happy to be back in California. Lots of self-realizations.