Self-titled


And there's something on yer mind you wanna be saying
That somebody someplace oughta be hearin'
But it's trapped on yer tongue and sealed in yer head
And it bothers you badly when your layin' in bed
And no matter how you try you just can't say it
And yer scared to yer soul you just might forget it
And yer eyes get swimmy from the tears in yer head
And yer pillows of feathers turn to blankets of lead
And the lion's mouth opens and yer staring at his teeth
And his jaws start closin with you underneath
And yer flat on your belly with yer hands tied behind
And you wish you'd never taken that last detour sign
And you say to yourself just what am I doin'
On this road I'm walkin', on this trail I'm turnin'
On this curve I'm hanging
On this pathway I'm strolling, in the space I'm taking
In this air I'm inhaling
Am I mixed up too much, am I mixed up too hard
Why am I walking, where am I running
What am I saying, what am I knowing
On this guitar I'm playing, on this banjo I'm frailin'
On this mandolin I'm strummin', in the song I'm singin'
In the tune I'm hummin', in the words I'm writin'
In the words that I'm thinkin'
In this ocean of hours I'm all the time drinkin'
Who am I helping, what am I breaking
What am I giving, what am I taking
But you try with your whole soul best
Never to think these thoughts and never to let
Them kind of thoughts gain ground
Or make yer heart pound
But then again you know why they're around
Just waiting for a chance to slip and drop down
"Cause sometimes you hear'em when the night times comes creeping
And you fear that they might catch you a-sleeping
And you jump from yer bed, from yer last chapter of dreamin'
And you can't remember for the best of yer thinking
If that was you in the dream that was screaming
And you know that it's something special you're needin'
And you know that there's no drug that'll do for the healin'
And no liquor in the land to stop yer brain from bleeding
And you need something special
Yeah, you need something special all right
You need a fast flyin' train on a tornado track
To shoot you someplace and shoot you back
You need a cyclone wind on a stream engine howler
That's been banging and booming and blowing forever
That knows yer troubles a hundred times over
You need a Greyhound bus that don't bar no race
That won't laugh at yer looks
Your voice or your face
And by any number of bets in the book
Will be rollin' long after the bubblegum craze
You need something to open up a new door
To show you something you seen before
But overlooked a hundred times or more
You need something to open your eyes
You need something to make it known
That it's you and no one else that owns
That spot that yer standing, that space that you're sitting
That the world ain't got you beat
That it ain't got you licked
It can't get you crazy no matter how many
Times you might get kicked

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Subterranean Homesick Blues

I feel weird.  I just spent the last hour reading Tom Gabel’s blog.  Why and how I came across it? I have no idea.  But it was interesting…and it has inspired me to start writing again.  Although my life is completely uninteresting compared to his, I just have an itch that I have to scratch every once in awhile.

Last night on the drive back from Petaluma, a lot of time was spent with the radio off.  Very unlike me.  I just let my thoughts wander.  Relationships were mainly on my brain.  I have very strong thoughts on relationships, currently, and I never thought I’d see the day that my current beliefs would be where they are now, but I hope this is not a phase.  Not your every day relationships, but exclusive relationships between two people.  I don’t understand their purpose anymore.  I have done and been through so much in these past few months that I never would have experienced if I were still in a relationship (that is, what I used to consider a relationship).  I have a feeling many people are in the same boat, only on the other side of the lake.  I really hope that people currently in relationships don’t let opportunities pass them because they are not single.  I feel like I have gotten away with a lot more in the past couple months only because of my current status.

 I have also learned from watching other people in their own relationships that I went about things the wrong way entirely and I now know that if I am ever in another relationship (if god existed, may he forbid) I will do things completely different.  The feelings of animosity and negativity I felt in my last relationship could have been completely avoided and were only my fault, but there is nothing I can do about it now.  I have realized my last relationship could have been a lot happier had I been a more mature, comfortable, and complete person that didn’t overanalyze everything but I guess you learn and make changes accordingly.  Currently, I am happier and more comfortable with myself than I have ever been.  I have a new breath of fresh air and a smile that cannot be erased.  There is a lot on my chest still from my experiences in Chicago and LA that will eventually be put on my back and forgotten.  I am sure blogs about those will inevitably appear in the near future, now that I am comfortable with confronting everything.  I have truly missed out on great, close friendships in Chicago.  They were placed at my doorstep but I was too lost in my own bubble to open the door and recognize.  

I am happy to be back in California.  Lots of self-realizations.